I'll start off by explaining my title. Republicans in the US after 9/11 passed a bunch of "keep us safe" laws such as the Patriot Act. I'm not a Democrat, I'm a Libertarian.
Lucy (which was Beverly Mitchel's character name on Seventh Heaven) is a lawyer that helps poor hackers by taking their cases for free, has a greasy flat unattractive hairdo, and apparently owns a lot of push up bras. She and hubby Greg are having some marriage problems. Lucy has divorce paperwork, so their buds James and his helmet-haired wife Serena suggest a couples retreat. James is played by Lifetime movie regular Steve Bacic, I think I've seen him like 3 times this week alone.
This movie is not really worth a play-by-play review. The retreat has a lot of red flags, such as biomterics, blood samples, and IDs being confiscated. A lot like dealing with the DMV after Republicans turned over state driver licenses to the federal government. On the way to the retreat, the couples are stopped by a sheriff (3 stars on his shoulders) lieutenant (one bar on the collar). That is indicative of the quality of the movie, they could not even get a simple police uniform correct. He's an obvious plot point though.
Oh, and there is constant surveillance, another norm in America. Lucy & Greg go from friends to fighting within seconds several times. The plot is given away when Lucy talks to another female who then disappears the next day with her husband. The big bad here is retreat owner Nazi-esque Alex, who is played by a Scottish actor. It becomes clear Bacic and helmet hair are in on it.
Skipping to the 40 minutes remaining mark, we see the requisite female in jeopardy earlier than expected when Lucy & Greg are held by Alex's gun thugs. Lucy had learned there was an operating room, some coolers and dead bodies in a barn. Black market organs maybe??? She and Greg are captured, Alex is actually a disgraced eastern block doctor that is now harvesting organs in cahoots with their buds Bacic and Helmet hair. They leave, and Greg frees himself and has an absurdo fight where he ganks Alex by pushing him into a pair of forceps that penetrate maybe a half inch of his back. Of course, just like Dr. Evil, he had explained his dastardly plan, and just like Dr. Evil he stationed no gun thugs outside to allow for an easy escape. Lame by real standards, great stuff by Lifetime or Austin Powers standards. Lucy & Greg jack a laptop for evidence. They are spotted by Bacic and helmet hair as they flee. The chase is on using the previously described plot point of a non user-friendly back road. The get away, but Bacic says he has insurance. I bet its a 3 star/1 bar officer! Too much time left for it to play out otherwise. It's laughable as well when Lucy says they should wait til the morning to call the police.
Somehow they survive til the morning, and drive to the local sheriff-lieutenant (yep, same guy as earlier), who for some reason is working at a highway patrol station. Another point on the Lifetime movie scale! Of course, they need to go back to the camp with him even though he's sending in a SWAT team. We see them in the sheriff's car, but no SWAT team. Lucy finally catches on- there is no SWAT team there! Sheriff-lieutenant puts on some theatrics by perp walking Bacic and helmet hair out at gunpoint like they were handcuffed. Instead of letting them get the evidence, sheriff-lieutenant shoots a hole in the plot by only letting one go. Inside of 30 seconds, Bacic and helmet hair have pulled guns and we learn sheriff-lieutenant is corrupt! Lucy's hacker client from earlier saves the day by televising what is happening and alerting the feds. Bacic ganks the sheriff-lieutenant when he tries to bail. Another funny line: "Arrrr! I liked him!" Greg and Lucy make their move. Chick fight! Helmet hair loses her gun and tries to bail, and instead of picking up her gun and ganking Bacic, Lucy chases her into the woods. Of course the much shorter Lucy overtakes her. Meanwhile the guys trade punches and head butts til Bacic remembers he has a knife in his pocket. Back to the chicks, and helmet hair is getting the better of Lucy, but at least she remembered to wear her push up bra for the fight. Greg is stabbed in the side and left next to the sheriff-lieutenant. I wonder if he's going to use that gun? Lucy as a Lifetime female victim finds a nearby tree limb (I think the blunt object is a contract requirement for any female Lifetime move victim actress) and hits helmet hair with it. Instead of the gun, Greg opts to use pepper spray on Bacic and with one punch knocks him out. I wonder what happened to all of the gun thugs that were there earlier? Not all of them would have been needed to control the other guests. We see the gun thugs being busted by blacksuited SWAT members. Greg is being patched up, and helmet hair and Bacic threaten Lucy as they are being lead away, this time really handcuffed. The movie ends 6 weeks later with Lucy and Greg at a beachside resort. They talk out their differences and live happily until their next Lifetime movie.
I would have preferred an ending more like what took place in Commando, one guy taking on the gun thugs until he got into a truly epic battle with the big bad character, complete with a cheesy line as he ganked big bad.
Real move score: 1 (higher is better). Lifetime movie score: 10/10 (higher is stupider).